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The remarkably small hands attached to the ends of Donald Trump's arms were first brought to the world's attention in February 2016 by "Little Marco" Rubio. Thus began what has come to be called the "Donnie Small Hands Affair" or as French journalists have dubbed it: "L'Affaire de l'Homme Orange aux Mains Minuscules." At first, no one took "Little Marco" seriously. After all, the 2016 presidential campaign was well into its sixth month, and really, how could such a distinctive physical trait have gone unnoticed for so long? Then we obtained the absolutely genuine, definitely NOT Photoshopped image above, and now we're learning the truth. The photo is from a private "invitation only" event where Mr. Trump apparently thought it unnecessary to deploy the extremely complex Digital Optical Palm Enhancement (DOPE) technology he normally utilizes on any occasion where his hands might be visible. As this rare photo clearly reveals, Trump's hands are truly tiny, doll-like, elfin appendages. "Little Marco" was right all along! Trump's frequent use of DOPE makes his teensy hands appear normal size in real time both before live audiences and on television. The secret to the technology has something to do with beryllium-coated mirrors and the color orange, but that's all we know ... so far. Sources tell us the Trump Organization spent between $12 million and $16 million over four years to develop DOPE. The DOPE project was funded entirely by individual contributions averaging just $27. The images below illustrate the enhancement possible with DOPE.
Several Trump associates were asked about the "Donnie Small Hands Affair," but his close friends "Joey No Socks," "Paulie Walnuts," and "Jimmy Two Times" all declined comment, declined comment. Questioned about the controversy while accepting the Don King Humanitarian Award, "Donnie Small Hands" himself denied ever using DOPE. Sad. Americans Against Insecure Billionaires With Tiny Hands (AAIBWTH) raised the level of discourse on the issue by posing serious questions, including: If the White House phone rings at 3AM....will his little hands even pick up the receiver? and When he decides to launch his nuclear war....will his stubby fingers even be able to push the button all the way down? Reputable news organizations such as The Washington Post, Time Magazine, Huffington Post, and Hollywood Reporter have all confirmed that the "Donnie Small Hands" moniker is well deserved, to the extent that it is possible to measure such small hands at all. Our investigation continues ....
European press coverage has been extensive. While American news organizations concern themselves with budget legislation, the Supreme Court, and The Wall, their colleagues across the pond have all hands on deck investigating the "Donnie Small Hands" affair.
The breakthrough came after a series of clandestine meetings throughout 2016 with representatives of the Russian Federation's Ministry of State Security. The Russian agents repeatedly referred to Mr. Trump as the "идиот с маленькими руками". (Out of respect for Mr. Trump, we ask that you refrain from pasting this phrase into an online Russian-English translator that is easily found with a Google search.) The Russian operatives refused to identify the "mole" within the President's entourage who provided the photo. However, they hinted indirectly that the person's first name rhymes with "blintz." After La Gazzetta made its reporting public, more than a dozen other newspapers, magazines, blogs, and Twitter accounts from across Europe confirmed the details. Former and current Trump acolytes were quick to respond. Mr. Trump's patriotically attired former advisor, Kellyanne Conway, said the disparity between the Trump's actual and enhanced appendages was a simple matter of "alternative hand size." One-time White House Press Secretary Sean "Scabbers" Spicer added, "Lord Volde ... er ... Mr. Trump believes his hands are really, really big, PERIOD!" Chief Strategist Steve Bannonn opined "Who cares what size der Fuhr ... uh ... I mean ... Trump's hands are? The Ministry of State Security should keep its mouth shut! Unless they have that dossier on Schumer that they promised us." More information as it becomes available ....
In an attempt to quantify the true size of Trump's itty-bitty hands, the International Commission for Upper Extremities (ICUE) has stepped into the controversy. Located in Schaffhausen, Switzerland, the ICUE has long been recognized as the final arbiter of head, hand, and arm measurement disputes. In early February, 2017, the ICUE referred the "Donnie Small Hands Affair" to its Small Hands Directorate (SHD).
Despite defending his hands as "big," "beautiful," and "slightly large, actually," Trump declined several offers by the SHD to measure them. Naturally, the SHD prefers to conduct measurements of the actual appendages, but over the years it has developed superb photometric and other investigatory techniques that have proven to be quite accurate.
Although the wax figure was subsequently withdrawn from display at Madame Tussauds, the impression of Mr. Trump's right hand was eventually cast in bronze and affixed to a wall near the exit of the Museum's New York location. On February 23, 2017, SHD investigators rushed to the scene and took detailed measurements of the elusive appendage. Their results confirm what photometric analysis had strongly suggested: Mr. Trump's hands are remarkably small. When the SHD submitted its findings to the full International Commission for Upper Extremities, the Commission assigned Trump an ICUE score of 70. That is, the his hands are about 70% of normal size for a humanoid of his stature. Some experts believe the Commission was overly generous in its determination, but most observers agree that an ICUE of 70 for Trump is probably about right. Trump quickly responded via social media:
Stay tuned for further developments ....
Photos of Trump's tiny hands remain rare; his habitual use of DOPE (Digital Optical Palm Enhancement) is very effective. At the end of May, 2017, Trump traveled to the NATO summit in Brussels. Scores of European photo-journalists prowled the summit, seeking any opportunity to document Trump's Lilliputian mitts. Trump's advance team had arrived days ahead of time to make sure DOPE was available at all venues where Trump was scheduled to appear. According to one of the President's DOPE procurers, Trump had only to "press the big red button" hidden in the portable lecturn from which he always delivers his remarks. That would activate the DOPE system and cause Trump's hands to appear normal. All went as planned until late on the night of May 26 when Trump spoke to an informal gathering of the Netherlands-based Het Congres van Whiney Kleine Teven. Assuming he was among friends (and perhaps suffering the effects of jet lag) Trump failed to press the DOPE activation button. Danish freelance reporter Gustav Østermaan, who gained admittance to the event disguised as a flamande chef, recognized Trump's blunder and quickly snapped the photo below.
He arranged to meet Gustav Østermaan for lunch at the YOBURGER restaurant on Gothersgade. Kushner ordered the YoBurger with Avocado and YOBURGER's signature "magic sauce." Cost: 84.00 Danish Krone -- about US$13.00 -- billed to American taxpayers, of course. Østermaan sipped a Coke Zero. Kushner explained that his incredibly insecure father-in-law was extremely sensitive about his diminutive appendages. In exchange for "losing" the photo, he offered Østermaan a free (off-season) weekend at Mar-a-Lago and 50% off any one item at the Donald Trump gift shop. Østermaan might have considered Kushner's offer but for the fact that he couldn't stop laughing. Kushner spoke in a voice identical to that of American comedian Gilbert Gottfried, which completely unhinged Østermaan. The meeting ended with an offended Kushner abruptly leaving the restaurant and a guffawing Østermaan wiping tears from his eyes and attempting to catch his breath. The photo was released that afternoon. Further news as developments warrant ....
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The Italian newspaper La Gazzetta di Mani Piccole (The Tiny Hands Gazette) acknowledged being the source of the startling photo that shows the true dimensions of Mr. Trump's uncommonly small hands. The La Gazzetta reporter who broke the story revealed she has spent the last three years pursuing what her editors call the "scimmia con le mani piccole" project. (Out of respect for Mr. Trump, we ask that you refrain from pasting this phrase into an online Italian-English translator that is easily found with a Google search.)
The breakthrough for SHD investigators came when it was learned that in 1997, representatives of Madame Tussauds Wax Museum were invited to Trump Tower to measure and make impressions of Trump's hands. For reasons of its own, the Museum wished to construct a life-size waxwork figure of Mr. Trump, which naturally appealed to The Donald's monumental vanity.
